Underparenting? Gentle Parenting? Choosing a Parenting Style Without Losing Your Mind

By Melanie Zwyghuizen, M.Ed. | Certified Parent Educator, Gen 1 Parenting

Just this week, my husband sent me yet another article about yet another parenting style.

"You should read this," he texted.

I laughed because I've honestly lost count of how many parenting "styles" I've heard about over the years.

Helicopter parenting. Free-range parenting. Lighthouse parenting. Tiger parenting. Elephant parenting. Lawn Mower parenting. Gentle parenting. FAFO parenting. And now…underparenting? Really?

By the time I finish writing this blog, there will probably be another one making the rounds on social media.

For the love…can we just please make it stop?!

What Is Underparenting?

Underparenting is a term with two very different meanings, which is exactly why it’s confusing. In its original dictionary sense, underparenting means inadequate parenting — failing to interact sufficiently with your child. More recently, the same word has been used to describe something almost opposite: deliberately stepping back, slowing your response time, and letting a child solve problems you'd normally rush in to fix.

One version describes neglect. The other describes healthy independence.

Same word, opposite meanings.

If you've ever felt like you're doing something wrong no matter which article you read, that's what happens when we build parenting on labels instead of on a foundation.

What Are the Four Parenting Styles?

It's helpful to understand the four foundational parenting styles researchers have identified over the years.

The four research-based parenting styles are authoritarian (high demands, low warmth), authoritative (high demands, high warmth), permissive (low demands, high warmth), and uninvolved (low demands, low warmth). They were first identified by psychologist Diana Baumrind, with the fourth added later by researchers Maccoby and Martin. Every trendy label you see online is a variation on one of these four.

Knowing the difference gives us a common language and helps us recognize patterns in ourselves.

(Although can we all agree that "authoritarian" and "authoritative" were unfortunate names? I've watched parents confuse those two for years simply because they sound almost identical.  That's one of the reasons I often borrow Barbara Coloroso's language of Brick Wall, Jellyfish, and Backbone when I'm introducing these ideas. Brick Wall is rigid. Jellyfish has no structure at all. Backbone is firm and flexible — strong enough to hold you up, relaxed enough to move.)

But somewhere along the way, I think we've taken a wrong turn.

Instead of using research to bring clarity and a foundational understanding, we've created layer upon layer of labels until parenting has become…well…cluttered.

WE'VE BEEN Buried in Parenting Advice

One of my favorite parts of coaching parents is something I call clearing the clutter, because by the time many parents sit across from me, they usually aren't lacking information.

They're buried under it.

They've read the books. They've listened to the podcasts. They've watched the reels. They've saved the posts. They've tried the perfect scripts for every situation. They've switched consequences, sticker charts, reward systems, and bedtime routines more times than they can count.

They're exhausted because every week someone tells them they've been doing it all wrong and offers a brand-new way to do it right.

After a while, many parents simply fall back on the way they were raised — for better or worse — because it's familiar.

I don't think parents today need more information nearly as much as they need more clarity.

I think many of us were handed tools before anyone helped us decide what we were trying to build and why.

That's exactly why so many of these quick fixes and labels leave us frustrated. Maybe, in calmer moments, we need to stop asking, "What do I do about this or that?" long enough to ask a much bigger question.

What are we actually trying to build?

The Two Questions That Changed Our Family

Years ago, in the middle of our own family chaos, my husband and I stumbled into the realization that before we needed better parenting techniques or tools, we needed something much simpler.

We needed a destination.

A purpose behind the hundreds of little parenting decisions we were making every single day, so it wasn't so chaotic and piecemeal.

So we sat down and asked ourselves one question that, looking back, changed everything.

Question One: What kind of family are we trying to become?

For us, the answer came down to three simple words.

Loving. Encouraging. Blessing.

Those weren't just words we liked. They became the anchor we returned to over and over again. Every parenting decision eventually passed through those three words.

When conflict showed up — and it did — we asked ourselves, "What's the loving response here?"

When one of our kids made a mistake, we wanted to respond in a way that encouraged growth instead of simply producing obedience.

When life got busy, we wanted our home to be a place where we blessed one another instead of simply hurrying past one another.

Those three words became our destination.

Question Two: How are we going to get there?

For us, the answer was simple.

We were a family team.

Looking back, I don't think we realized how much that one decision would shape our family. We weren't trying to create another parenting philosophy. We were simply deciding how we wanted to live together.

Once we saw ourselves as a family team, so many parenting decisions became less about managing behavior and more about building the kind of relationships we hoped we'd still have long after our kids left home.

Mom and Dad were the leaders — the coaches, if you will — but every member of the team mattered. Every voice mattered. Every person belonged. Our children weren't passengers we were dragging along behind us. They were valuable members of our family: learning, contributing, growing, and becoming.

The answers to those two questions shaped almost everything else we did on the daily.

	BEHAVIOR MANAGEMENT MINDSET	FAMILY TEAM MINDSET
Routines	Keeping the house running.	Enabling our team to function well.
Expectations	Demanding obedience for obedience’s sake.	Caring for one another and the things we have.
Repair	Non-existent/inconsistent at best.	It matters because our relationships matter.
Encouragement	Nice to have, but not necessary. Reserved for special occasions.	Essential for growth.
Discipline	Winning a battle.	Guiding each member of our family move toward the destination we chose together.

Disclaimer: We Were Not a Perfect Family

Now, before you picture some perfect little family, let me stop you.

There were days I lost my patience. Days I reacted instead of responded. Days I raised my voice (ahem…more like yelled like a madwoman?) and later had to apologize because my response didn't reflect the kind of mom I wanted to be.

Let's just say there were plenty of opportunities for growth. We certainly didn't follow our map perfectly, but that's exactly why we needed one.

Think about driving somewhere you've never been before. You have your GPS on, but you aren't staring at it every thirty seconds. You're watching the road. Talking with the people in the car. Paying attention to what's happening right in front of you.

Then you hit construction or you miss a turn.

What do you do?

You glance back at the map to make sure you're still headed toward your destination.

That's exactly what purpose became for us.

Whenever it felt like the wheels were coming off, we came back to our map and asked ourselves: "Is the way we're handling this helping us become a loving, encouraging, blessing kind of family?"

Sometimes the answer was yes and sometimes it was a very humbling no.

Those were the moments we recalculated. And when you know your destination, you simply adjust the route and keep going.

Looking back, I think that's one of the greatest gifts a family purpose gives us. It doesn't demand perfection.

It simply gives us somewhere to return.

Choosing a Parenting Style: Purpose, Approach, Tools

So here's my answer to"What parenting style should I choose?"

I don't really think in terms of parenting styles any more. Over the years, I've realized I think in terms of purpose, approach, and tools.

Instead of choosing a parenting style, choose these three things in this order. 

1. Your purpose is your destination — the kind of family you're trying to become. 

2. Your approach is how you'll travel there together. 

3. Your tools are the practical, everyday ways you live that out. 

Most parenting advice starts with tools. That's why it doesn't stick.

Family meetings. Routines. Repair. Boundaries. Encouragement. Teaching emotional regulation. Helping our children develop replacement skills instead of simply stopping unwanted behaviors.

None of those tools stood on their own. And I believe they actually aren't meant to. Every one of them supported the destination and the approach we'd already chosen.

When those three things are aligned, something wonderful happens: the clutter starts to clear.

Suddenly, you don't feel like you have to chase every new parenting trend that pops up in your feed. Instead of asking, "Is this the right parenting style?" you begin asking, "Does this fit the family we're trying to become?"

I've found that question brings far more peace — and far more confidence — than another parenting label or style ever could.

Hey Parents,

If you're tired of trying to keep up with every new parenting trend, maybe it's time to stop collecting labels and start building a foundation.

Spend some time talking about your family's destination. What kind of family do you hope you're becoming? How do you want to travel there together? Once those pieces become clear, you'll be surprised how much easier it is to decide which tools fit your family...and which ones don't. You don't need to have every answer today. You don't need another parenting label to live up to. You simply need a clear destination, an intentional approach, and practical tools that help you move in that direction one day at a time.

And if you'd like someone to help you clear the clutter, discover your family's purpose, and build practical tools that align with it, I'd love to walk alongside you. That's exactly what we do at Gen 1 Parenting. Get started with your [free 15 minute discovery call.]

-Mel