Is Bribing My Kids Really That Bad?
Updated: Sep 30
By Melanie Zwyghuizen, M.Ed. | Certified Parent Educator, Gen 1 Parenting
How to get kids to listen without bribes
The Quick Answer:
Bribes do work...for the short-term. The problem starts when rewards, and their flip side, threats, become the main system your family relies on to get kids to listen.
Build cooperation instead of buying it. Connect first, set clear expectations ahead of time, use routines and choices, and follow through calmly: "I know it's hard to stop playing. And it's time to get dressed. Do you want to do it yourself, or want some help getting started?"
Instead of "if/then," try "when/then" or "let's/so we can.." Link something they don't want to do with something they do want to do."When you're ready for school, then we can watch TV if there's time for a show" is a natural sequence, not a payment. “Let’s get our shoes on so we can listen to your favorite songs in the car”.
In this article:
Bribes. We've all been there because, you know, sometimes you just need to get the kid in the dang car seat!
This is something parents ask me all the time: “Is bribing my kids really that bad? Because honestly…it works.”
And they’re not wrong.
Your kid refuses to get dressed, so you say, “If you get dressed now, you can have 30 extra minutes of screen time tonight.” Suddenly, they’re dressed. Homework that was going to take an hour of arguing? Done. Getting out the door? Miraculously possible.
There’s a reason we bribe our kids sometimes: it works.
At least for the moment.
So when we start talking about why we don't want rewards and bribes to become the main way we get our kids to cooperate, I know what parents are thinking:
Okay, but what am I supposed to do instead?
And also…
Why would I stop using something that actually works?
Does bribing your kids actually work?
Bribes are incredibly effective short-term.
The question isn’t whether the reward works.
The question is what your child is learning from it—and whether rewards have become the operating system your family depends on for cooperation.
Oof. Those are much bigger questions, aren't they?
So, let’s talk about them.
The occasional bribe isn't the problem
I’m not worried about the parent who occasionally says, “If you put your shoes on right now, I’ll let you pick the music in the car.” Sometimes you need to get out the door right this minute. Use the bribe. I promise I’m not coming to take away your parenting card.
What I want us to be careful of is letting rewards and bribes become the operating system we depend on to get our kids to cooperate.
Because think about what that system teaches over time: You do something I want, and in return, I give you something you want.
That can work beautifully…until it doesn’t.
What happens when your child decides the reward isn’t worth it? When 20 minutes of screen time used to work, but now they want 30? When the sticker chart has lost its magic? When your teenager really doesn’t care that you’ve offered to buy their favorite Starbucks drink if they would JUST PLEASE DO THE THING?
We tend to reach for the other side of the same coin.
“Fine. Then no screen time tonight.”
"If you don’t do it right now, you’re losing your phone.”
“Keep it up and you’re not going to your friend’s house.”
The reward becomes a threat. The carrot becomes the stick.
And before we know it, a whole lot of our parenting energy is spent trying to figure out what we can give our kids—or what we can take away from them—to get them to cooperate.
Can I get an “Amen”?!
I want us to pay attention to when rewards, bribes, threats, and punishments become the system running underneath our parenting.
it falls apart When everything starts to have a price
If every request becomes a negotiation, eventually kids can start asking the obvious question: “What do I get?”
And after 30 years in the classroom, I can tell you—I heard versions of this all the time.
“If we do this, what do we get?”
Or the flip side: “What happens if I don’t?”
And I always found those questions interesting because they tell us something about what kids have learned to expect. If I do what you want, there should be something in it for me. And if I don’t, something will probably be taken away.
Now, if you’re reading this thinking, Well, shoot. My kid asks those questions, please know they are in very good company. I taught a LOT of kids who did! Rewards and consequences have been a pretty standard operating system for kids at home, at school, on sports teams—honestly, all over the place for many years. Most of us grew up with some version of it ourselves.
So this isn’t about blaming parents. It’s about noticing what our kids are learning and realizing we have the opportunity to teach them something different.
Because there are things we want our children to learn to do simply because they are part of taking care of themselves, contributing to a family, or being a human who lives with other humans.
You brush your teeth because your body needs care. You put your dishes away because you’re part of the family where teamwork is important. You clean up what you used because other people share the space. You do your homework because school is one of your responsibilities.
Will they leap joyfully from the couch shouting, “Yes! My responsibilities! I was hoping you’d ask!”?
Probably not. Frankly, I don’t feel that way about unloading the dishwasher either.
But there’s a difference between not wanting to do something and believing we should only have to do it if someone makes it worth our while.
And ultimately, we’re trying to raise kids who gradually develop an internal sense of responsibility—not kids who need us standing beside them forever holding either a carrot or a stick.
So…what do we use instead of bribes?
This is usually where a parent looks at me and says, “Great, Mel. But I still need the kid to put on his shoes.”
I know.
This is why I don’t teach parents to simply take away tools. I want to give you more of them.
Connect before you direct: get down to their level and comment on what they're doing before asking. "Whoa, that tower is tall! In two minutes, it's shoe time."
Set expectations before the moment: "Before we go into the store, here's the plan…"
Let the routine be the boss: a morning checklist means you're pointing to the chart instead of nagging.
Use choices and play: "Red socks or blue?" or "Can you beat me to the door?"
Problem-solve together at a calm time: "Mornings have been rough. What do you think would help?"
Check for skill vs. will: is the child refusing, or genuinely stuck and needing help?
And yes, we hold boundaries and lead.
“I know you don’t want to stop playing. It's hard to stop something fun! And, it’s time to get dressed. Do you want to do it yourself or would you like some help getting started?”
There isn’t a prize at the end of that sentence. There also isn’t a threat.
There’s a parent calmly helping a child move through something they don’t particularly want to do and hold space for the sometimes big feelings around it.
That matters, because cooperation is something we can build, not just something we have to buy.
What if my child still doesn't listen?
Let's be honest. You can connect first, offer choices, and set expectations ahead of time, and some days your child will still end up on the floor refusing to put on their shoes.
That doesn't mean it isn't working. It means cooperation is a skill your child is still building, and skills take practice. It also means something important: parenting without bribes doesn't mean parenting without follow-through.
When a child still isn't listening, a few things tend to help at any age:
Say it once, then move to action. The more we repeat ourselves, the more our words turn into background noise. Calmly state what needs to happen, then calmly help it happen.
Hold the boundary without winning the battle. You don't need your child to agree. The boundary stays the same even when the feelings are big.
Let feelings be feelings. "You're really frustrated. That makes sense. And we're still going." Both things can be true.
Keep consequences connected, not invented. If a consequence is needed, it should come naturally from the situation, not be something we grab in the heat of the moment just to win.
Stay curious. Sometimes refusal is about something else entirely. They may be struggling and this is the only way they know how to express it.
What follow-through looks like changes as kids grow, so here's how it might sound at different ages.
Little kids (about 2–5)
Young children often need less talking and more helping. Their brains are still learning to shift from one thing to the next, so a refusal is often less about defiance and more about being stuck.
"It's time for shoes. I'm going to help your feet." Then gently help. If they protest, stay calm and keep it short: "You didn't want to stop playing. That's hard. We're still going."
School-age kids (about 6–10)
This age can handle a little more responsibility and a little more reasoning, but still needs you to lead.
Try pausing and pointing back to the plan: "What's the next thing on your morning list?" If they still resist, calmly name what will happen: "Toys that aren't picked up go on the shelf until tomorrow. That's how we take care of our things." Then follow through, without anger and without a lecture.
And don't underestimate the do-over. "Let's try that again," said kindly, gives kids a chance to get it right without anyone losing face.
Tweens and teens (about 11+)
Power struggles with older kids rarely end well. The more we push, the more they dig in. This is where stepping back and trusting them with some ownership goes a long way.
"The dishes need to be done before you head to Sam's tonight. You can decide when." Then step away. If the dishes aren't done, the natural outcome follows: "Looks like you'll need to finish those before you go." No yelling or taking away their phone for a week. You just follow through on what you already said.
Later, when things are calm, get curious: "It seems like something's getting in the way lately. What's going on?" Teens are far more likely to cooperate when they feel heard than when they feel managed.
Is it okay to use screen time as a bribe?
This is where I think parents can get unnecessarily rigid after learning about rewards.
You don’t have to pretend screen time doesn’t exist. You also don’t have to make a rule that you will NEVER use it to motivate your child again.
There’s a difference between saying, “When you’re ready for school, we’ll have time for a little screen before we leave,” and frantically bargaining, “If you put your shoes on RIGHT NOW, I’ll give you 20 more minutes tonight!”
The first communicates a natural sequence: when the things we need to do are finished, there may be time for something you enjoy. The second creates a new payment for doing something that was already your child’s responsibility.
And even then, sometimes you may consciously choose the second one.
That’s okay.
Today you need everyone moving. Today is not the day you are going to unpack intrinsic motivation and the meaning of family contribution with a six-year-old who is lying on the floor without pants.
Offer the screen time. Get in the car.
Tomorrow is another day.
Just keep noticing the patterns. That’s where the real learning is—for you and for your child.
It's about flexibility, not perfection
I never want parents to read something I write and walk away with one more parenting rule they’re terrified of breaking.
Rewards are bad. Bribes are bad. I gave my kid an M&M to get through the grocery store, and now I’ve destroyed their internal motivation forever.
No. No. And No.
The goal isn’t to eliminate rewards. It’s to use them sparingly enough that they remain a tool rather than becoming your operating system.
Sometimes we motivate. Sometimes we hold a boundary. Sometimes we help. Sometimes we make something fun. Sometimes we problem-solve. Sometimes we simply say, “Yep, this is something you need to do, and I’m going to help you get through it.”
And sometimes…we just give the kid the ice cream.
Not because they cleaned their room. Not because they got an A. Not because they stopped whining or earned enough points on a chart.
Just because it’s been a long week and ice cream sounds really good. Even for breakfast.
Because there’s another side to all of this that matters to me: I don’t want our kids to learn that everything in life is a transaction.
I want them to learn that responsibility is part of being a human being.
And I also want them to know that joy doesn’t always have to be earned.
So if you used a bribe this morning to get your kid out the door, you’re okay. If you promised extra screen time to get through homework last night, you’re okay. You do not need to throw out your sticker chart before bedtime or issue a formal apology for every M&M you’ve ever handed your child.
Just start noticing.
How often am I reaching for a reward?
What happens when the reward doesn’t work?
Do I immediately reach for a threat instead?
And is “What do I get?” starting to become my child’s automatic response?
If so, it might be time to expand the toolbox.
Because sometimes, the answer to “What do I get?” can simply be: “Nothing. This is just something we do.”
Or, as my students heard me say more times than I could possibly count:
“The satisfaction of doing a good job.”
They loved that answer, by the way.
Okay, maybe not.
And then later?
“Want to go get ice cream?”
Just because. :)
Hey parents,
If you’re reading this thinking, “Okay, I get it…but what am I supposed to do instead?”—that’s exactly the kind of thing we work through at Gen 1 Parenting.
You don’t need another list of things you’re doing wrong. Sometimes you just need someone to help you slow things down, figure out what’s actually happening, and add a few more tools to your parenting toolbox.
Whether that’s through a coaching session, a class, or one of our workshops, you don’t have to figure this parenting thing out alone.
If you could use some support, I’d love to walk alongside you with connection-based, judgement-free tools. I work with parents in-person across West Michigan and virtually nationwide. Book a free 15-minute discovery call to get started — no obligations.
