What I Wish I Had Known: The Parenting Strategies That Work for All Kids

Melanie Zwyghuizen | Gen 1 Parenting

When I was parenting my younger kids, we just didn’t know what we know now. We didn’t talk as openly about the brain. About trauma. About nervous systems and regulation. There were no viral "experts" on Instagram breaking it all down—just a few parenting books (some helpful, some not) and a whole lot of trial and error.

If I could go back and parent my child with ADHD again, it would look so different. If I had understood more when my child with ASD was young—or when anxiety was just starting to show up in one of my kids—I would have had more tools, more compassion, and more calm to offer.

But I didn’t know then. Most of us didn’t. As my career evolved and I started receiving training in trauma-informed practices for the classroom, something started to click. I began to wonder:

What if the same things that help these students feel safe and regulated at school could help at home too?

That curiosity led to some of the most impactful shifts in my parenting.

From the Classroom to My Home

One of the biggest ah-ha moments I had during trauma-informed classroom training came early on. Someone asked,“How do we know which kids have experienced trauma so we can apply these strategies to them?”

The answer stopped me in my tracks: You don’t have to know.

Because what supports a child with trauma—or a child who is neurodivergent—actually works beautifully for all kids.

That simple truth reshaped how I taught. And it began to reshape how I parented.

What’s Good for One Is Great for All

Like many parents, I used to wonder if I needed totally different approaches for each of my kids.They were all so different—one thrived on structure, one was easily overwhelmed, another needed time to warm up to transitions and change and expressed himself through angry outbursts.

I didn’t know at the time whether any of my kids were neurodivergent — we just didn't even think about that. I just knew they were each wired in their own unique way as all kids are!

But what I started learning—first through professional development, and then through hands-on parenting—made things feel simpler and more grounded.

Trauma-informed and brain-informed strategies like predictability, emotional safety, and empathy before correction weren’t just helpful for kids with trauma histories.They weren’t just for kids with diagnoses or labels.

They helped every child feel more secure.They made space for connection before correction.They created an environment where all my kids—regardless of wiring—could learn to self-regulate and relate.

The Research Backs It Up

Studies show that trauma-informed and neurodivergent-supportive strategies reduce stress, improve emotional regulation, and strengthen relationships—not just for kids with identified needs, but for all children.

And frameworks like Universal Design for Learning (UDL)—originally created with neurodivergent learners in mind—turn out to benefit everyone. When we design our environments—whether at school or at home— with flexibility, empathy, and predictability, everyone wins.

So What Does This Look Like at Home?

Here are a few of the trauma-informed and brain-informed strategies I carried from the classroom into our everyday family life:

• Calm before correction → I learned to regulate my tone and body before expecting my kids to regulate theirs. And I learned that what I perceived as a "calm" approach wasn't necessarily received in the same way. I learned I needed to watch my body language as much as my tone and words. For example, making sure that our eyes and body are at the same level or even lower than our kids' is helpful in telling their brains that there is no threat and helps to keep them in a thinking state.

• Clear routines → Predictability reduced stress and meltdowns—not just for one child, but across the board. I didn't need to be rigid about them, but when a change was needed, prepping them for that change in our routine helped to mitigate stress for them.

• Sensory awareness → Adjusting noise levels, lighting, and physical space helped all my kids feel more at ease. To some extent we all are affected by our surroundings so this makes perfect sense. Headphones for kids who are sensitive to noise levels can help as well as allowing breaks from overwhelming situations. And for my kiddo who had always been sensitive to how his clothing felt on his body, it helped me reframe the struggle and understand him more. And look, if you're thinking "But the world doesn't stop and adjust for them. We need to teach them to deal with the real world". I see you. I hear you. Yet, as kids' brains are still developing, these things actually help build their skills, tolerance and resilience, not impede them.“When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.”— Alexander den Heij

• Connection-first discipline → Instead of “What’s wrong with you?” and looking to "fix" my kids with discipline that punished them for struggles, I learned to ask, “What’s going on underneath?” and take a more solution-focused approach. I was able to see more clearly the source of the struggle and support my kids to help them through.

Hey Parents,

Here's the bottom line: You don’t need a vastly different playbook for every child.

What supports one child doesn’t take away from another. In fact, it often strengthens the whole family culture. And sure, you'll find that certain tools are more helpful than others for each unique child, but overall, it really doesn't have to be super complicated!

You just need the reminder that what’s good for some is great for all.

A connected, calm, and responsive parent? Yep. That’s what every child needs—no matter how they’re wired.

If you're wanting to dive deeper into these very things and up your parenting game, schedule a [Free 15 min. consultation] today! Let's talk about what's going on and how I can help you figure out a parenting plan.

-Melanie