when your child says "no" to the choices you offered: what now?

Melanie Zwyghuizen | Gen 1 Parenting

You offer two solid choices: Banana or apple for snack. Brush teeth before or after pajamas. Homework now or after dinner.

You’re feeling good—like you're nailing this parenting thing. And then… your kid refuses both. Cue the deep sigh (and maybe the urge to scream into a pillow).

If you’ve ever stood there thinking, “I gave options! I stayed calm! Why is this still going sideways?”—you’re not alone. This is one of those everyday parenting moments that can leave even the most thoughtful caregiver stumped.

Let’s talk about what’s actually happening here—and how to get through it without losing your cool or your connection.

Why Kids Say No (Even to Reasonable Choices)

Offering limited and age-appropriate choices is one of the best tools we have as parents. It gives kids a sense of ownership, which helps reduce power struggles and builds decision-making skills. (Pro tip: Too many choices can overwhelm a lot of kids and for many give them the sense that everything is a choice. Be sure to not give up your appropriate parental authority! Brushing your teeth? Not a choice a child can make. To brush before pjs or after? Appropriate choice a child can make.)

But sometimes—even when the choices are totally reasonable—kids still say no.

So what gives?

Chances are, you’re not doing anything wrong. It’s often not about the choices at all. It’s about something deeper: your child’s growing need for autonomy.

Around 2½ to 3½ years old, many kids hit a developmental stage where they start pushing back more. They don’t just want a choice between A and B—they want to come up with option C. At Gen 1 Parenting, we call this a “power stretch.” It’s a totally normal (and healthy!) part of development.

Kids at this age are discovering their preferences, their voice, and their independence—and they’re eager to test it out.

And it doesn’t stop with toddlers. Another big “power stretch” tends to show up in the tween and teen years. These stages are especially marked by a strong drive for independence and self-expression. It’s not rebellion—it’s growth.

What to Do Instead

Offering limited choices still works great for younger toddlers and in certain situations. But during these “power stretch” seasons, we often need to broaden the invitation.

Instead of:“Do you want to brush your teeth now or after your bath?”Try:“Where would you like to brush your teeth tonight?”

Instead of:“Do you want the blue or green cup?”Try:“Which cup would you like today?”

Instead of:“Do you want to wear sneakers or sandals?”Try:“I see you’re barefoot—I wonder what shoes you'll choose to wear today?”

You’re still offering structure, but you’re opening up more space for your child to lead within it. It shows respect for where they are developmentally while keeping connection at the center.

With tweens and teens, it might sound more like:

• “What’s your plan for getting homework done today?”

• “How do you want to handle your chores this weekend?”

• “What’s your idea for lunch this week—(want to tag team or take it on solo?)”

These questions communicate, “I trust you. I see you growing.”

Hey Parents, Remember that parenting isn’t about finding the perfect script or magic tool to make it all super easy (but wouldn't that be nice?!). It’s about staying curious, connected, and willing to adjust as your child grows. Some days will feel smooth, others… not so much.

If you’re in a tough season—or just want more personalized tools for your family’s needs—parent coaching might be a great next step. I’d love to walk with you through it.

You're doing sacred work. And you don’t have to do it alone.

 [Schedule a free 15-minute consult] to see if parent coaching or a mini-course

 is a good fit for you.

-Melanie